Every beginning must have an end.

I must have called 10 shelters in the area tonight.
Sacred Heart, Helping Hand, Way Back Inn, YWCA, Salvation Army....
Thank God I have a car and the weather is tolerable.

I feel sorry for those families that, unlike myself, have little else to look forward to and I can't imagine what it must be like to do this for an indefinite amount of time.
It does sort of suck the hope right out of you.

My car is parked behind an Episcopal Church...I think.
Che is sleeping beside me on the passenger's side lips all puckered and just begging Mama for a kiss.
It's good that he can sleep.
This first night...I don't think I will.

Times like this, you figure out where the love is...and where it may never have been.
And it is a good thing.

Since the storm I have neglected the relationships that matter most,
and engaged in the kind that simply get you through.
Having this solitude is allowing me to see some things....not all of which I have wanted to.
Can only imagine what a few months of this can do for a soul.

We will see.

You would think that fear would be an issue.
It has gotten dark outside the car and most of the house lights I can see have gone out.
But now is different.
Less to lose and more pain under my belt.

I am okay.
And getting even better.

Adjust

A writer has discipline....something that I don't.

My mother said that one had to write when they were called to,
not when they felt like it.
Well, I sure as hell do not feel like it.

I didn't feel like running a marathon either.
So I told everyone I would.
That way it would get done regardless.

Maybe that is what is happening here?
I'm really just in a "I'll show you" mode
and it will fade the first time I have to go 3 days without a shower.
Maybe. But is much more likely that I will adapt.

I don't know where I will be for the next two days.
Saturday though....I am photographing a Muslim family.

All day.

And I have to say that I am honored that they are willing to allow me to begin documenting this time in America with them.
Blessed.

Scared too.
not by them, but by the thought of colored film.
I have never used it for artistic purposes...maybe a bit in Jamaica?
But there is no way to do this without color.
This I can see now.

A few pictures today.
I can feel my eyes warming
and the sound of the shutter was a comfort.

As long I have film,
and Che continues to smile wide....
things are as they should be.

I believe.

D Day

I don't think I was prepared for the worry coming from all the corners of my world.
But I wasn't ready for all the encouragement either so I guess these things balance out like all else.

One person was worried about how I will keep up with all my hair while on the journey.
What do you even say to someone who has a concern like that?
Others think it is a big "risk" and are not sure it is worth it.
And others see the risk and say I am "brave" to take it.

If you are backed into a corner and come out swinging....is that brave?

Others seem to not know what to say and so say nothing.
That works too.
Better that then to be trite or opportunistic.
better that than to lie, even if only to yourself.

But let's be clear.
I am just fine.
And whether you know that or not is not the point.
The point is that I do.

At any point on this journey I can say "enough."
Pride will not keep me from that if it is necessary.
But it will not be.

I am happy to engage on the question of whether this is a smart idea.
Feel free to comment below rather than send me messages though.
Share that concern or encouragement with everyone, not just me.

But we won't really know the answer to these questions until all is said and done,
the photos are hanging on a wall,
the interviews have been edited,
and my boxes unpacked.

If you can relate, I am blessed.
If not, I am fine.

If you wanna be there for me, be here for me.
And if not, well.....

So this is where it starts...

It all starts with closing a few doors for the last time.

We hit the road tomorrow, the streets, whatever.
And soon after that, I better get moving too.

Over the next few months it appears I will get to experience damn near the entire country.
It's just time I guess.
Have to get home somehow.
And I have to be whole when I arrive.

Weighing my options I decided to drive.
And to take 4 cameras with me.
2 Nikon FE-8 cameras - these used to belong to a vietnam war photographer named "lucky" who blew is head off with a shotgun...I need to finally put them to good use again.
A Canon EOS SLR  - I took this to Jamaica when I was pregnant with Marina and took the photographs I am the most proud of.  (May they rest in peace.)
And a digital cam corder I have had for a loooong while and never used.

And I am going to doucument what I see.
And all those people and places that choose to speak to me.

There will never be another "opportunity" to see what I can choose to see now.

I once said in jest that "life would be swell if I could live in my car."
There is the weight of our things,
and then the weight that comes from fearing their loss.
It is probable that the fear of that loss is far worse than never having an accumulation of "things" to begin with.

Reminds me of my dad...how he so often quoted William Wordsworth's "The World is Too Much With Us."   http://www.bartleby.com/145/ww317.html

Easter Sunday in Jamaica.
I went to church in  in the back of a vacant store with all manner of wandering goats, dogs, and such. 
No sanctuary, much less a gym or library. 
(My god, they have churches with espresso stands now!)

But on that Easter Sunday, I saw true joy. 
Since then I have been in both posh and tall buildings finding no joy there. 
And not too much reality either.
Life though, is about the balances we strike.  Right?

No one is judging, whether there is a right to judge or not.
But it seems to me that when a country can make as much war as we do,
we should also be able to take care of our neighbors here at home. 
We can not either save or rule the world.
But we can take care of this coutry and its citizens.
If we wanted to more than other "things."

Compare defense spending to education or workforce training. 
Appalling.
This system is something else.
And if you don't can not work it that system,
or just dont think it right to try, your done.

There are a lot of people walking around feeling done.
I'm first cousin to being one of those people.

And I know I am not alone.

Stephen Covey says that we need to "feed opportunities and starve problems."

Here I go then...

I am broke.
Why not just accept it and start hanging out with the others who are broke too?
And if it is true that the best way to forget about your problems is to focus on someone elses....
than maybe I better see how bad it can get,  and how close we each are to that reality.

Not so much that we all are going to find ourselves destitute in the new year, but that we each are closer than we might assume to someone who is sinking and is done asking for help.

It's these people I plan to see, and more importantly listen to.

And then report back to you.
Hope-fully.