I remember something Gino said to me once. He said "you know Makeba, when I meet an awesome person...someone I really admire, I don't always want to see them again. I am just happy they exist." And for the last near twenty years I have not known what he could possibly mean. Clearly if something, or someone, is awesome we want more. I always have.But then a few of those people that I wanted more of ended up dissapointing me in a big way. A few may have even torn me asunder. But I wanted more. Gino is a dark one, but he may have had a point he was too lazy to explain.
Someone else said he admired my ability to feel passion and willingness to open myself up to others. But he also felt it increased the amount of pain I was going to feel in life. When I offered to learn how to be colder, he said that would not work because I was what made him feel warm. And I clearly did for a while. But to be a good soldier one masters the art of felling nothing when it counts.
I don't know how to do that. And when I find a person who makes me laugh out loud, I don't know how to say "when." If I love you, I want to do so for life. When it breaks, I feel it on my chin. I am devastated and disoriented as I exit the scene alone. I survey the damage and wonder the meaning...as usual. And as usual it is to no avail. A million hallmark cards and a million shots of Jameson won't change a thing. There is no meaning you can grasp, only purpose...if you are lucky and open. To make you stronger, to encourage you to appreciate the relationships that remain intact, to whatever.
I will never be sure of the meaning of this trip in general, or this stop in particular. But one purpose has been to put me in a position to come closer to mastering that art of letting go. Not just of people, but also the emotions around them. I have bumped into a lot of human beings so far, and there is no way I can take them all with me. And I have seen some friends in a whole new light, not all of which are all that flattering. And maybe I am going to have to say goodbye to a few I had not planned on. Old friends and new. You gotta love the road I guess.
I see it from both sides, been on both ends. And it hurts to say goodbye when you have a feeling it is the last time. But it does not have to be a tragic thing. It may even be the kinder thing whether it feels that way or not. I look at a few people that I love and think I may not have another thing to say to them. I am not hateful, just out of speak. Don't love them any less, just less interested in carrying them with me.
But how do you say it's over? Anyone says that to me and I am going to rage if I am not ready, where they are. I mean really, who would want to end things with me? And that is what I mean by looking at it from both sides. I have had people I love to death say "goodbye" to me. And I have done the same. But forever is just for now and who knows how the Lord may provide an opportunity to say "hello again."
Let go and if necessary, let it break.
There is always duct tape.
I heard once that we don't choose our friends because we like them; we like them because they are our friends. I'm still trying to decide if I agree or not. I do know that friendship runs the gamut from chance encounters with people who touch us and move on, to lifelong relationships that become stronger than family.
ReplyDeleteWith all the cross-country moves in my childhood, and the job changes of my adult life, I've made a lot of friends with whom I don't keep in touch, but I still think of them as friends. Sometimes I'm the one who lost touch, sometimes they were the ones who dropped off the map. We all have our own lives to lead. If circumstances bring us together again, we can try to pick up where we left off, and sometimes we find that our lives have led us in such divergent paths that we no longer seem to have much to share. That's life, and there's no point in feeling bad about it. We have enough to do with just making our own way through life as best we can. And our friends, those from the past and those in the present and those in the future, have the same right to be who they are and cope with their lives in their own way.
The one thing we can do is to avoid judging our friends by the choices they make which differ from our own. It's not easy. We have an innate desire to attach meaning to life, and so we look at the things our friends do and the circumstances they find themselves in, and we try to analyze them. But our analysis is pure imagination. What do any of us truly know about all of the factors in another person's life that influenced their actions and choices? If a friend seems to become distant, is it because they don't like me any more, or is it because they have so many other things going on in their life that they just don't have the energy right now for friendships? I have been on both sides of that situation, and I know you have too.
So live your life, remember that your friends are trying to do the same, and don't worry about the perfectly natural ebb and flow of this thing we call friendship. Hellos and goodbyes don't need to be forced, and they don't need to be forever.
Sometimes, things break because they have no choice--seemingly irresistable forces meeting seemingly unmoveable object...Like a wave. Inexplicably coherent billions of water and salt molecules of an ocean wave smash rhythmically against apparently solid billions of grains of sand, practically unquantifiable nodules of silica worn by aeons of such encounters into worn nubbles of tiny beach stones sloshing against each other, each mixing a little, each draining away...Breaking over and over again, the Definitive Infinite: the pulse of Mother Earth is her Tide. Does that make either Wave or Beach any less itself--does it make either less necessary? Does it make either in any sense independent of the other--one the rich, diverse life-blood of continents, the other the burrow, embrace and veins in which seas relentlessly move? No. But those breaking points we so poetically have named Waves--we romanticize and idealize and crave their foamy tickle, we recognize the perfect union of their coexistent opposition even as we sun ourselves and wet our skins--those points are where the most rich and poignant moments of life, where the Origins of Life as we upright apes understand it began, where beginnings and endings meet and infinity continues...this is where our deepest places of reflection, learning and growth may occur, whether we recognize what is happening or not, in the most primal parts of our psyches. Just a vision I had of "breaking." Love.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, there is a plastic giraffe lying next to me, and it makes me smile. Wide.
What an honor to have bumped into you for a brief moment...who says little minutes leave no impact? What a delight to see the world through your eyes (& your lens). May you so impact many more people!! Hugs from Livingston!
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