"Tip me over and pour me out."

Do you ever feel like you are waiting at the edge for someone to tip you either way? Is it possible that we can vacillate for so long that when we feel an external force push us in one way or another we MAKE it a deciding factor? Seems that way at times. And I don't think it should be so.

I set out on a path and it is one I have to finish, one way or another. But along this route I have seen numerous alternatives and there is a weight that comes from rejecting each one of them. And in postponing others.

There is plenty I can't do shit about while "on the road." That is just the reality of it. I can't work on certain relationships that mean a great deal to me. I can't have a proper home for my children or feel at home in a church. I just have to keep on moving and hope it all catches up to me when at last I stop. And then hopefully I am able to catch my breath, and again begin again.

As a mother I can not simply live out my dreams because they are laid out before me. Even a dreamer's child needs stability. Even my children need routine.

It is very possible I will be offered a position in my field, in Montana, in the next week. It's a position that I applied for before I set sail, and one that I did not take all that seriously. I just figured I would apply and do so in the most honest way possible and then keep moving. But I stopped long enough to finish the process and it may have done me in. At least as far as the massively long trip goes. If I get the job, I would be foolish to reject the offer in order to go starve a bit longer from coast to coast. Even if that is what I truly want.

We all know I struggle with the concept of what is "meant" to be. And most often it seems we can tell ourselves that it is meant to be if it comes easy. I am not so sure. Maybe we are meant to turn our back on the road that is laid out before us and forge a new one out of the alternatives? Maybe in some cases this is what is meant to be?

In my case, I guess I will see when I get the call next week. I will either begin a new position in a new state, or I will set sail again. And as of this moment I feel on the edge, just begging to be tipped.